Challenge: Accepted!

Good Afternoon my sweet followers--

I am truly blessed that you are even reading this at all. Thank you for taking the time out of your day to read about trials, tribulations and my blessings.

I have not written lately, and that is mainly because there hasn't been much worthy of taking up your precious time. However, as of late.. I think the time has come to write again.

I have a new job :) I was the Officer in Charge (OIC) of the Aid Station on this FOB. In that position, I am simulatanouesly the Platoon Leader for Clinical Platoon. A Platoon Leader is the best job that you can have as an Officer. Why? Because, you are working with the Soldiers. You work right next to them. You get to know them, understand them and watch them grow. Though I don't have children-I imagine it is much like having children. You rejoice with them in their success, you help and guide them in their time of need. It really is the best and most rewarding job. Like any job, it came with its complications and challenges--but by the power of God and some faithful family, friends and mentors, I overcame those challenges.

God has decided to challenge me once again. Late Saturday night, 23MAR, my company commander came and got me and said that I was being moved to another position. We went and talked to the Battalion Executive Officer and Battalion Commander (they are both one level above the company). I was told that I was a replacement for an individual on the FOB, for reasons I can't go into here.

This new job is called Lead Contracting Officer Representative. There are contractors (civilians) on this FOB for plumbing, electrical, vector control etc. There are countless jobs on this FOB that are held by civlians. My new job is to audit 6 of these different jobs to ensure they are performing their duties in accordance with the contract that they have made with the government. It is also my job to approve/deny small improvements made on the FOB. This is a BIG job-- not so much busy--but, it is detail-oriented and I have to watch my P's and Q's to ensure that I don't break any of the hundred of rules of being a contracting officer. This is completely out of my realm considering my branch is Medical Services. I have done this job once before-- at NTC-- but, it was an additional duty (meaning I still kept my Platoon) and it was only 2 contracts.

So, on Sunday-- I had to say my first good-bye to my Platoon as their Platoon Leader considering this new job is a full time job. I will be going back to Charlie Company upon returning home, but I will not be taking the platoon home that I brought here. So, that in itself is a challenge. The way this move was conducted was completely unprofessional, and I can still feel the sting of the kick to my backside. I should feel honored that the Battalion Command Team trusts me with such a big job-- but I also feel betrayed that I wasn't fought for by my Company Leadership (which as my mentor would say, "BIG SURPRISE, JESSICA").

Positives: I am still on the FOB-- thankfully I did not have to move my awesome little area. I still get to see the best Soldiers the Army has to offer and they still include me in things that are happening within the company. I am no longer working for inconsiderate person I was working for (BIG positive). This is considered Staff time-- so maybe I wont have to stay away from the Soldiers so much. I am learning a new job that is going to look great on a resume and my military evaluation because it is completely out of my scope and I plan to do very well at this job. I work with three civilians in this office and they are all incredibly nice and receptive to me.

Challenges: I have no idea what I am doing :) The person I am replacing is not receptive to me being here and learning their job-- because they are bitter and angry. Of course, not being the PL for my Soldiers anymore is the biggest hit of all.

There are less challenges than there are positives-- which is good. The song that has gotten me through this transition is called, 'I will wait' by John Waller. Here are some great lyrics from it:

I will move ahead, bold and confident, Taking every step in obedience, While I'm waiting, I will serve You, While I'm waiting, I will worship, While I'm waiting, I will not faint, I'll be running the race, Even while I wait. Though it's painful, I will wait.

Father God, thank You for guiding my future. Thank You for the promise that Your plan is not harm me, but for me to prosper. How good You are! I will continue on in this position, asking for Your help and for You to use me as You see fit. I can already see the difference that You hope for me to be here, and I thank You for the ability to see that. Please bless me as I figure this job out, fill my cup until it overflows with patience and love. Continue to break my heart for what breaks Yours God, I will move ahead, bold and confident in You. In your precious and ever holy, Holy name I pray, Amen.

My Inspiration: Women's History

Good morning Church! Ch. Hopkins asked me to speak about womens history today and I asked him whom he would like me to speak on, and he said it didn’t matter to him, whoever I wanted. So, that night I thought to myself, I know a lot of famous people who have done amazing and inspirational things, how will I choose. My list is something like Corrie Ten Boom, Anne Franke, Beth Moore, and Mandisa. However, I struggled with who to choose and why I choose them. They all have done and/or said inspiring things that I am sure most people would be affected by. But late that night, God laid it on my heart that I should speak about my sweet momma.

My momma taught me about Corrie Ten Boom. Corrie Ten Boom, along with her father and other family members, helped many Jews escape the Nazi Holocaust during World War II and wrote her most famous book The Hiding Place about the ordeal. My momma took me to the Hiding Place and explained to me the courage that Corrie Ten Boom had in Christ and how she lived her life serving others, offering her hiding place for those in need. Corrie says after surviving a prison camp, "There is no pit so deep that God’s love is not deeper still" and "God will give us the love to be able to forgive our enemies." 

Mom taught me Anne Frank was one of the most discussed Jewish victims of the Holocaust. Her diary has been the basis for several plays and films. She took me to the building where Anne Frank hid in the attic with her family and another family as the Nazi’s searched for them. My mom taught me the importance of history and the importance of appreciating my freedom. A portion of Anne Frank’s diary says, I want to be useful or bring enjoyment to all people, even those I've never met. I want to go on living even after my death! And that's why I'm so grateful to God for having given me this gift, which I can use to develop myself and to express all that's inside me!

Now Beth Moore is an American evangelist, author, and teacher. My mom has sent me a 10 week Bible Study written by Beth Moore to do while I am here, as she does it back home, and it has already begun to change my life. My mom daily encourages my Christian walk. We share our weaknesses and our strengths with one another and she references the Word to encourage me.

Mandisa is an American gospel and contemporary Christian recording artist. My mom has always raised me with Christian, inspiring music. Even when it was not easy for her, my mom found the strength to be the Christian example in our family. Christian music will strengthen us and even guide our attitudes throughout the day so she always taught me to listen to it.

I am sure most of us can relate to my message but I could not just honor one of those women for the inspiring things they have done in history when my mom has done what God has asked her to do. She has been leading me, showing me the example and always explaining the importance of a relationship with Jesus Christ. A long list of people have made a huge impact in my life but the greatest impact is the eternal impact, and I have my sweet mom to thank for pointing me to the cross these last 20+ years. Thank you momma, luv ya luv ya, kissy kissy.

Hold On, Just A Little Bit Longer...

2 Cor 12: 7-10

“Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. ⁸ Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. ⁹ But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ¹⁰ That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

This is the verse that has kept me going this week. The Chaplain on Sunday spoke the words that I needed to hear. (I LOVE when that happens!!) I have pleaded that God would take away the struggles that I am going through, or fix them, make them easier, please God, do something because this is not easy. But, He has not taken them away, He has not made them easier. But, I was reminded that just because He doesn’t answer my prayer the WAY that I want Him to answer, does not mean it is not being answered. He is leaving this thorn in my side for a reason. He is allowing me to suffer and struggle for a reason. In its own way, that is so incredibly comforting to me. He (the Chaplain) said that God will answer in three ways, “Yes, No, or hold on just a little bit longer.” My answer that He has given me is to hold on just a little bit longer, and I will continue to hold on.

I was also comforted in the reminder that my future is not in the hands of man. My future is in the hands of God. God will move through the people that are in charge of my future, and He will move them how He sees fit. Yes, everyone higher than me may be running this organization, but God is ultimately giving the orders, whether they know it or not, it doesn’t matter (thankfully). So why should I worry? God is in control, there isn’t any other hope or comfort that is better than that. What a relief that gave, how much joy arose in me because of this Godly reminder. God is in control.

That is all I have to say for this short blog. My struggles are the same but they have been brought to the attention of others who may or may not be able to help me. I have stood up for myself and my Soldiers. If things change, it’s because God has instructed them to. If things do not change, it is because has instructed them to stay the same. Either way, God’s instructions to me now are to hold on just a little bit longer, to not worry, and to know that His grace is sufficient and His power is made perfect in my weakness. How beautiful is this hard lesson I am learning.

Father God, thank you. Thank you for this lesson You are teaching. I love the reminder that You are in control, and that I am not here by accident. You are the ultimate orchestrator of my life and the lives of everyone and there isn’t a better musician than You. You have made all things beautiful, including this lesson and though it has been incredibly miserable, I do thank You. Please continue to guide me, and usually carry me through these next few days. Thank you for my mom and her sweet advice to me to pray to get me through the next hour, and pray again for each hour. I have done this, and you have not forsaken me. I praise You Lord and thank You. In Your precious and Holy Name I pray, Amen.

My Gift.. maybe. :)

On Sunday, I did not go to the 1030 service (that is another blog all in itself!) However, there is a general protestant service at 2030 that I went to instead. The Chaplain is one of the best Chaplains I have ever met. He is outstanding. And he did not let me down on Sunday night. Prior to walking over to the church, I told my friend Christy, "Chaplain Irwin better have something good for me tonight because I sure need it." And it was EXACTLY what I needed. 

I continue to struggle with who I am and what type of leader I am because it is so different than those around me. And it is still causing conflicts with those who I am supposed to depend on/lean on. However, the message at church was related to this issue, at least to me. 2 Corinthians chapter 12 talks about the gifts of people. "There are diversities of gifts but they are from the same Spirit." So, that led the preacher to ask us what our gifts are? Or what we may think our gifts are? I think it is important to know this, and realize this for several reasons.

1. This gift(s) was given to you by God, to be used for God. 
2. Knowing your strengths helps you in any relationship or situation. My strengths are typically my husband's weaknesses, and the other way around. (Which is why we are so great together ;)) 
3. If you know a strength/weakness, you can do your best to strengthen them both and use them in ways that are beneficial to God's will (or mission in Army terms). 

The Bible confirmed that my strengths are to be used and to be built up (2 Tim 1:1-12)! The Bible also says that men have suffered for the sake of their Lord and I thought to myself, maybe that is what I am doing here. I am not physically suffering, but I am emotionally struggling. I am mentally struggling. But, that is a struggle that I will not give up or let the enemy win. My gift is my gift that I need to use because it is a strength, not a weakness that others tell me it is. I need to believe with boldness that this is who I am, and this is how I will lead and take care of these Soldiers. 

My gift is kindness (I think..). Genuine kindness. I care about Soldier's problems. I care about their future. I care about their spouse, their kids, their dog, their education, their finances. I care about these things because I am their leader and I want to make sure they are taken care of to the best of my ability. My ability will not be limited by what I am "allowed" to say or not "allowed" to say. God truly is the only one who can control this tongue! 

So, my next obstacle is not allowing the struggle to affect me to a point that I am no longer able to "force" my gift on others. It is not letting my emotions get the best of me when I am constantly questioned. It is not allowing the annoyance I feel towards those who have made this SO unbelievably difficult on me to fester inside me. But geez.. that is so much easier said than done. My patience runs thin and it runs thin much quicker with those who I am currently not getting along with. But, I can't control them. I can't expect them to be the person I THINK they should be. An awesome family friend of ours told me to "Keep your faith in people realistic." I love that. Just because its something I expect, doesn't mean it is what is going to get done. And I cant control that, especially when they are higher ranking than me. Usually when they have been in the Army a while too, its best to not even attempt to speak (in my experience). 

Yes, this was a long blog but I haven't been on here in a few days! I have been thinking about this blog for a couple of days now! We lost our unclassified network at work, so I have to do this in my tent. But, what have I learned? A Soldier told me once.. "Stay true to who you are." The Bible confirms this. The next struggle is just APPLYING it. I know what I need to do, or I know how I need to act, but the application is twice as hard I think. 

Father God, I pray for Your guidance. You know my heart better than anyone and You know the struggles I face. Please help me to do what I need to do to live for You and be the example You want me to be. You gave me this gift, I don't want to put it in a box. I especially don't want to lose this gift and have it boxed up with cobwebs surrounding it. Please speak to me when I feel myself allowing this place and these people getting the best of me. I have the Spirit of God inside me, I know that this can be done. I know that You will not leave me nor forsake me, and I asking for that promise to be kept to me as I make my way through this dark valley. I love You God, and I trust You. In Your Holy Name I pray, Amen. 

There's Always a First Time

Yesterday and the night before yesterday was a very rough day for me. Prepare for a rant.

---The night before last night, Justin and I got into our first argument since I had been gone. They are bound to happen, we are thousands of miles apart from each other, we can’t see each other and we have to solve the problem through texting, which hardly ever works out. That distress I felt from that argument spilled into the next day. I had my first patient that I needed to MEDEVAC, and I had never used this new system before that I am required to use. I did everything correct, except one thing. This one thing was very small and it did not impede the Soldier from being MEDEVACed, but it still bothered me that I made a mistake. Then, we had a lockdown procedure for a lost sensitive item, and that was just chaos. I received different guidance from two different individuals, and that drives me crazy. We do what the first person said, then the second person says no, its going to be like this, so then we get to do it again. And then, I hate being talked to like a child. I went to college, I have a degree and two minors, and you don’t need to talk to me like a child. Until I prove myself incompetent, respect my rank and position and I will get the job done. People here treat me like I am burden to seek help when I do not know, and I don’t like that feeling either. These are issues I have struggled with for about a year now, and its not getting any better.----

I do not want this blog to turn into a complaining center for me. I want this blog to allow you to understand my life here, without giving up too much information that may or may not get me in trouble. That is why some of this stuff is so vague, only those who know me know me really well know who I am talking about.

SO! With all that being said let me try and learn something from this. My momma Rita wrote me a letter and she said, Stupid people are going to ask you to do stupid things, just do them because you know its not worth the fight. HAHA! Made me laugh. But, it is so true. I read a devotion this morning and the verse was,

 “May the God of patience and comfort grant you to be like-minded toward one another, according to Christ Jesus, that you may with one mind and one mouth glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.” Romans 15:5-6

I need to remember this verse when I begin to feel myself getting upset and/or irritated. I don’t want this deployment to drive a wedge between my husband and I or between my family and I due to lack of communication. I want this deployment to bring us all closer. I must remember that Justin’s weaknesses are my strengths, and my weaknesses are his strengths. God intended that to be so.  We all have times, days, weeks, maybe even months of frustrations, irritations, grudges.. but we must pray, seek God’s strength and grace to help push us through those times and once we reach the other side, God willing, we are a stronger individual. God does not put us through something that He does not KNOW we can handle. God would not put our marriage through this deployment if He thought we couldn’t make it.

Father God, I ask that you give me patience when I am weak and move to be angry too quickly. I ask that you help me to remember that weaknesses of others will be my strengths, and remind me that I can bring them through whatever they are going through because You have blessed me with what they are needing. I know that there are many times in my life where I will need others, and when I am weak, they will be strong. Please help me to not be so tough on myself about my job, and there is a first for everything. And maybe even seconds and thirds! J I love You God, and I thank You for your countless blessings. My sweet husband is my number one blessing and I will forever think so, even in times of frustration. I love you God, so much. I pray that in the future, I will come to You for your grace and patience. In Your precious and Holy Name I pray, Amen.

Beautiful Words

So, I got a FB message from my awesome mom this morning. There are some sad things happening in our family currently, but the advice that was given to her, which in turn she gave me, was absolutely beautiful. I think this is something so incredibly beautiful. Mom said,

"In the midst of the conversation, she (my Aunt Winnie) told me something that Aunt Sherri had said in October 2006...she said that she would go thru having the cancer again because of the way that it brought her so close to God. She gave everything--all control of every part of her life--to Jesus."

Isn't that beautiful? It has caused me to think about things this morning.

1. I prayed, and I thanked Aunt Sherri for her words. I thanked God because even though Aunt Sherri is gone, she is still sharing such wonderful, beautiful words of wisdom. That was so powerful to me, that after all these years, her words are still used as encouragement.

2. I have thought previously that I need to take advantage of this deployment. I need to take this time to get so incredibly close to God. I need to take this time to pray for our marriage, that it may be a blessing from God and those who we encounter in our lives. I am here, I am in in Afghanistan and its not going to change. So, I need to make the most of it. Things that I have always wanted to improve is my relationship with my God, my relationship with my husband, my family members and to get more fit ;)

3. I do not need cancer to draw me closer to God, my precious Aunt has made already gone through that and I should live for her words. I am deployed, and it is hard, but it is not life ending. It will be life changing because I will make those attempts to change it. I will not allow this hardship to dig me deeper into the pits of sin, but dig me deeper into the Love of God.

So, what would you change or work on if you had cancer? You don't need cancer, you don't need a deployment, you don't need a death in the family or ANYTHING terrible to happen to you to make you realize. You just need YOU to realize it, and then you need to carry that to God and lay it at His feet.

Father God, I come to you this afternoon to ask Your wisdom. God, guide me in Your path so that I may know HOW to be drawn closer to You. Guide me to Your scriptures that you have so graciously provided me so that I may find strength and wisdom in Your words. Guide me throughout my day; guide my actions, my thoughts, my words and my spirit Father. I want to know HOW to give my all to you. It is so hard to let go of some things, and You know this God. Please guard my marriage with the greatest blessing you have ever given me, my amazing husband. Guard, protect and improve my relationships with my mom, pops, momma Rita, dad, brothers, sisters, grandparents, aunts and uncle, cousins and others that I may be struggling to forgive. Once again, YOU know best. And You have put these people in my life for a reason and it is not my place to say that our relationship will not work, they must for You put them there. In all things I do God, I desire to give them to You, and to You alone. I pray that I come out of this deployment stronger in You, and I know that that strength will spill over into every other aspect of my life. Just show me how God, please. In your precious name, Amen.

Lose My Soul

Today has already become a day that I must overcome and defeat. The comfort that I am going to find for this day is going to come from Psalms 118: 5-8. It says:

"I called on the Lord in distress; the Lord answered me and set me in a broad place. The Lord is on MY SIDE; I will not fear. What can MAN do to me? The Lord is for me among those who help me; therefore I shall see MY DESIRE on those who hate me. It is better to trust the Lord than to put confidence in man."

Leadership is a lonely place. A Christian Leader is an even lonelier place. The short amount of time that I have spent in the military, this has been the an eye-opening experience to the sadness of the world we all live in. I give all glory to God for the kindness, sensitivity, and love for people that I attempt to portray in my daily life. I know that He made me this way for a reason. I know that He instilled these characteristics about me for a reason. I am not sure what that reason is yet.. though, sometimes I think I know, I am quickly reminded that I am wrong.

My mentor in the military tells me that there is a place for all types of leadership in the military. I do agree. However, its tough when I am the minority. My heart is in a place to help people. It is in a place to comfort, guide, and mentor people (whatever their rank/position) whenever I feel led. This complicates my life in the military. I am told "You're too sensitive." "You care too much Loggins." Well, the initial reaction that I feel is hurt. I do not like people judging my leadership capabilities. I do not like people telling me to change, and I know that basically what they are wanting is for me to be more like them. Well, I don't want to be like them. I want to be me. Just because my leadership is not like theirs, does not mean that it is wrong, just different. And different is okay.  My husband loves me for me, my family loves me for me. (I hope ;))

I remember growing up that someone told me, you want to live a life where people look at you and say to themselves, "I want to be like her because she has something special going on with her. Why is she is happy and kind? What gives?" Well, the answer to that would be the Love of Jesus. And it always has been. I have The Spirit living inside me, and I can't help but to love people (as best I know how). By all means, I am NOT saying that I am this happy, go-lucky, always perfectly happy kinda person, believe me I am not, and if you don't, ask my husband :) But, I do try to put a smile on my face, care about everyone's day, their lives, their children, their parents, their pets, career,etc. I make the attempt everyday. These Soldiers are worth my efforts.

What is more important? Always having an open door for my Soldiers and creating an environment where they feel comfortable and ultimately (hopefully) they see the Love of God shine through? Or, is it be more like the non-believers and the people who try to change my heart? I think the answer is clear here. But, that doesn't mean the battle is over. It only means I understand the battle, for now anyways.

Here is a perfect song, just for good measure :)

Father God, I am clay in your hands,
Help me to stay that way through all life's demands,
'Cause they chip and they nag and they pull at me,
And every little thing I make up my mind to be,
Like I'm gonna be a daddy whose in the mix,
And I'm gonna be a husband who stays legit,
And I pray that I'm an artist who rises above,
The road that is wide and filled with self love,
Everything that I see draws me,
Though it's only in You that I can truly see that its a feast for the eyes- a low blow to purpose.
And I'm a little kid at a three ring circus.

I don't want to gain the whole world, and lose my soul,
Don't wanna walk away, let me hear the people say.

Dear Heavenly Father, I come to You this afternoon to ask Your strength. I ask for You teach me Father, to place my confidence in You, and in You alone. I know that You have put me here for a reason, and I pray that I accomplish that mission for you. I pray that Your will be done while in this place of Christian loneliness. I pray for Your strength for the battles I will face in the name of You. I pray that these battles do not break me spiritually, but strengthen me. I trust you Jesus, and I love You for who You are and what You are doing in my life.