You Don't Want My Perfection

The world may want my perfection, thankfully the One who created the world, He doesn't want it. 

For the past few days, I have struggled with an overwhelming sadness. It typically doesn’t take me long to get over some things, but certain things have really caused for a prolonged “get over” time period. I feel the struggle with this because I don’t want to wake up and face the cruel world that we live in. I just want to cuddle up in my bed, and hide away from the world. 

Ever since I was high school, I have struggled with this. The world is so mean and cruel. The strength to have to face it, sometimes it just cant be found. As I go throughout my day, I cant make eye contact with anyone. The smile on my face is not able to function. The joy in my life is buried somewhere. And sadly, the hope I should have slowly fades away. This has nothing to do with war, or what I have seen or haven’t seen. For some reason, this affects me more than it probably should. My heart breaks over this. The power that it has, the affects that it has on me, it is far too much for me to bear sometimes. Though, I do not have another option except to lean into God; which, is the best option, even if there were others. 

I do not know if people realize the affects they have on people, especially the negative ones. I want to have the reputation of being a joy, being a light, and being genuine to someone. I pray for His strength because I have nothing left to give. I pray that He gives me joy that overcomes drama. I pray for His confidence in every action that I take, every word that is said, and every smile. I live for You King Jesus, and this world will not take what You have given me. I will not submit to the evilness to this world, but I will stand for I am redeemed. <<< This is how I want to feel. This is the spirit I want to have. By the power of God, I will conquer this. As my mom always says, this too shall pass.

Please, my faithful prayer warriors, pray for my strength. I struggled for about 3 days, I did much better yesterday afternoon and then again this morning, but this afternoon, I feel like I am going backwards. I feel better after typing this out, and listening to Christian music. I took a break from work to come be in my room and take the time I need to pray, listen to music, and type. Love to you all. xoxoxo

Show Me What It Means

I was driving around today on the 4-wheeler and I thought to myself, what an interesting life this is. I am a 24 year old woman, feminine, married, a mom to 3 fur babies and here I am, wearing this dusty, sweaty uniform, riding a 4-wheeler with a M4 strapped to my side and in Afghanistan. At the time, there were Blackhawks taking off from the helipad and I was escorting Afghan Nationals onto the FOB in order to off load some equipment.

Our FOB is only getting bigger and somehow, this tasking has fallen mostly on my shoulders. It keeps me incredibly busy though, which is awesome for the days to pass. But seriously, not even a few years ago would I have seen myself escorting Afghan Nationals onto a FOB in Afghanistan. The logistics of this is incredibly interesting and I am really enjoying learning how it all works. Today for instance, we had the trucks come in. I was notified they were there so I made the necessary arrangements to have the crane and forklift on site. I arrive to the location I have to pick the Afghans up from, and they climb in their trucks. I lead the way on the 4-wheeler, as 7 flatbed trucks follow me onto the FOB and to the yard I have deemed as my own for storage. While I am driving, I look behind me to make sure they are following each other like little ducklings in a row and they were. I have them all park, and the crane and forklift begin their work. I turn the 4-wheeler off and kick back in the 115-degree weather and supervise (and put some serious sunscreen on!)

The Afghans start to come up to me to ask me for water, I don’t have any cold water. They motion for me to turn around and go get them some; I try to explain that I can’t leave them because I have to keep eyes on them, naturally they don’t understand so I just motion for them to go back to their trucks. Two or three more times, they keep asking. So, I stand up, with my M4 at my side and they quit coming up to me J Of course, when I saw another Soldier, I posted him with them and went and got them some water- I can’t pass the needy and speak Jesus on my lips. But, security is more important.

This country is really interesting, but as interesting as it is, I am ready to get home. I pray that God shows me what it means to be here. What is His greater purpose for me while I am here? So show me what it means, to take up my cross, and count it all as lost. All for the sake, of knowing You. To love my enemies, and care for those in need. Show me what it means, to follow You.

The crane taking Colorado Barriers off the back of a flat bed. 

One of the Afghan National truck drivers.