My Gift.. maybe. :)

On Sunday, I did not go to the 1030 service (that is another blog all in itself!) However, there is a general protestant service at 2030 that I went to instead. The Chaplain is one of the best Chaplains I have ever met. He is outstanding. And he did not let me down on Sunday night. Prior to walking over to the church, I told my friend Christy, "Chaplain Irwin better have something good for me tonight because I sure need it." And it was EXACTLY what I needed. 

I continue to struggle with who I am and what type of leader I am because it is so different than those around me. And it is still causing conflicts with those who I am supposed to depend on/lean on. However, the message at church was related to this issue, at least to me. 2 Corinthians chapter 12 talks about the gifts of people. "There are diversities of gifts but they are from the same Spirit." So, that led the preacher to ask us what our gifts are? Or what we may think our gifts are? I think it is important to know this, and realize this for several reasons.

1. This gift(s) was given to you by God, to be used for God. 
2. Knowing your strengths helps you in any relationship or situation. My strengths are typically my husband's weaknesses, and the other way around. (Which is why we are so great together ;)) 
3. If you know a strength/weakness, you can do your best to strengthen them both and use them in ways that are beneficial to God's will (or mission in Army terms). 

The Bible confirmed that my strengths are to be used and to be built up (2 Tim 1:1-12)! The Bible also says that men have suffered for the sake of their Lord and I thought to myself, maybe that is what I am doing here. I am not physically suffering, but I am emotionally struggling. I am mentally struggling. But, that is a struggle that I will not give up or let the enemy win. My gift is my gift that I need to use because it is a strength, not a weakness that others tell me it is. I need to believe with boldness that this is who I am, and this is how I will lead and take care of these Soldiers. 

My gift is kindness (I think..). Genuine kindness. I care about Soldier's problems. I care about their future. I care about their spouse, their kids, their dog, their education, their finances. I care about these things because I am their leader and I want to make sure they are taken care of to the best of my ability. My ability will not be limited by what I am "allowed" to say or not "allowed" to say. God truly is the only one who can control this tongue! 

So, my next obstacle is not allowing the struggle to affect me to a point that I am no longer able to "force" my gift on others. It is not letting my emotions get the best of me when I am constantly questioned. It is not allowing the annoyance I feel towards those who have made this SO unbelievably difficult on me to fester inside me. But geez.. that is so much easier said than done. My patience runs thin and it runs thin much quicker with those who I am currently not getting along with. But, I can't control them. I can't expect them to be the person I THINK they should be. An awesome family friend of ours told me to "Keep your faith in people realistic." I love that. Just because its something I expect, doesn't mean it is what is going to get done. And I cant control that, especially when they are higher ranking than me. Usually when they have been in the Army a while too, its best to not even attempt to speak (in my experience). 

Yes, this was a long blog but I haven't been on here in a few days! I have been thinking about this blog for a couple of days now! We lost our unclassified network at work, so I have to do this in my tent. But, what have I learned? A Soldier told me once.. "Stay true to who you are." The Bible confirms this. The next struggle is just APPLYING it. I know what I need to do, or I know how I need to act, but the application is twice as hard I think. 

Father God, I pray for Your guidance. You know my heart better than anyone and You know the struggles I face. Please help me to do what I need to do to live for You and be the example You want me to be. You gave me this gift, I don't want to put it in a box. I especially don't want to lose this gift and have it boxed up with cobwebs surrounding it. Please speak to me when I feel myself allowing this place and these people getting the best of me. I have the Spirit of God inside me, I know that this can be done. I know that You will not leave me nor forsake me, and I asking for that promise to be kept to me as I make my way through this dark valley. I love You God, and I trust You. In Your Holy Name I pray, Amen. 

There's Always a First Time

Yesterday and the night before yesterday was a very rough day for me. Prepare for a rant.

---The night before last night, Justin and I got into our first argument since I had been gone. They are bound to happen, we are thousands of miles apart from each other, we can’t see each other and we have to solve the problem through texting, which hardly ever works out. That distress I felt from that argument spilled into the next day. I had my first patient that I needed to MEDEVAC, and I had never used this new system before that I am required to use. I did everything correct, except one thing. This one thing was very small and it did not impede the Soldier from being MEDEVACed, but it still bothered me that I made a mistake. Then, we had a lockdown procedure for a lost sensitive item, and that was just chaos. I received different guidance from two different individuals, and that drives me crazy. We do what the first person said, then the second person says no, its going to be like this, so then we get to do it again. And then, I hate being talked to like a child. I went to college, I have a degree and two minors, and you don’t need to talk to me like a child. Until I prove myself incompetent, respect my rank and position and I will get the job done. People here treat me like I am burden to seek help when I do not know, and I don’t like that feeling either. These are issues I have struggled with for about a year now, and its not getting any better.----

I do not want this blog to turn into a complaining center for me. I want this blog to allow you to understand my life here, without giving up too much information that may or may not get me in trouble. That is why some of this stuff is so vague, only those who know me know me really well know who I am talking about.

SO! With all that being said let me try and learn something from this. My momma Rita wrote me a letter and she said, Stupid people are going to ask you to do stupid things, just do them because you know its not worth the fight. HAHA! Made me laugh. But, it is so true. I read a devotion this morning and the verse was,

 “May the God of patience and comfort grant you to be like-minded toward one another, according to Christ Jesus, that you may with one mind and one mouth glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.” Romans 15:5-6

I need to remember this verse when I begin to feel myself getting upset and/or irritated. I don’t want this deployment to drive a wedge between my husband and I or between my family and I due to lack of communication. I want this deployment to bring us all closer. I must remember that Justin’s weaknesses are my strengths, and my weaknesses are his strengths. God intended that to be so.  We all have times, days, weeks, maybe even months of frustrations, irritations, grudges.. but we must pray, seek God’s strength and grace to help push us through those times and once we reach the other side, God willing, we are a stronger individual. God does not put us through something that He does not KNOW we can handle. God would not put our marriage through this deployment if He thought we couldn’t make it.

Father God, I ask that you give me patience when I am weak and move to be angry too quickly. I ask that you help me to remember that weaknesses of others will be my strengths, and remind me that I can bring them through whatever they are going through because You have blessed me with what they are needing. I know that there are many times in my life where I will need others, and when I am weak, they will be strong. Please help me to not be so tough on myself about my job, and there is a first for everything. And maybe even seconds and thirds! J I love You God, and I thank You for your countless blessings. My sweet husband is my number one blessing and I will forever think so, even in times of frustration. I love you God, so much. I pray that in the future, I will come to You for your grace and patience. In Your precious and Holy Name I pray, Amen.

Beautiful Words

So, I got a FB message from my awesome mom this morning. There are some sad things happening in our family currently, but the advice that was given to her, which in turn she gave me, was absolutely beautiful. I think this is something so incredibly beautiful. Mom said,

"In the midst of the conversation, she (my Aunt Winnie) told me something that Aunt Sherri had said in October 2006...she said that she would go thru having the cancer again because of the way that it brought her so close to God. She gave everything--all control of every part of her life--to Jesus."

Isn't that beautiful? It has caused me to think about things this morning.

1. I prayed, and I thanked Aunt Sherri for her words. I thanked God because even though Aunt Sherri is gone, she is still sharing such wonderful, beautiful words of wisdom. That was so powerful to me, that after all these years, her words are still used as encouragement.

2. I have thought previously that I need to take advantage of this deployment. I need to take this time to get so incredibly close to God. I need to take this time to pray for our marriage, that it may be a blessing from God and those who we encounter in our lives. I am here, I am in in Afghanistan and its not going to change. So, I need to make the most of it. Things that I have always wanted to improve is my relationship with my God, my relationship with my husband, my family members and to get more fit ;)

3. I do not need cancer to draw me closer to God, my precious Aunt has made already gone through that and I should live for her words. I am deployed, and it is hard, but it is not life ending. It will be life changing because I will make those attempts to change it. I will not allow this hardship to dig me deeper into the pits of sin, but dig me deeper into the Love of God.

So, what would you change or work on if you had cancer? You don't need cancer, you don't need a deployment, you don't need a death in the family or ANYTHING terrible to happen to you to make you realize. You just need YOU to realize it, and then you need to carry that to God and lay it at His feet.

Father God, I come to you this afternoon to ask Your wisdom. God, guide me in Your path so that I may know HOW to be drawn closer to You. Guide me to Your scriptures that you have so graciously provided me so that I may find strength and wisdom in Your words. Guide me throughout my day; guide my actions, my thoughts, my words and my spirit Father. I want to know HOW to give my all to you. It is so hard to let go of some things, and You know this God. Please guard my marriage with the greatest blessing you have ever given me, my amazing husband. Guard, protect and improve my relationships with my mom, pops, momma Rita, dad, brothers, sisters, grandparents, aunts and uncle, cousins and others that I may be struggling to forgive. Once again, YOU know best. And You have put these people in my life for a reason and it is not my place to say that our relationship will not work, they must for You put them there. In all things I do God, I desire to give them to You, and to You alone. I pray that I come out of this deployment stronger in You, and I know that that strength will spill over into every other aspect of my life. Just show me how God, please. In your precious name, Amen.

Lose My Soul

Today has already become a day that I must overcome and defeat. The comfort that I am going to find for this day is going to come from Psalms 118: 5-8. It says:

"I called on the Lord in distress; the Lord answered me and set me in a broad place. The Lord is on MY SIDE; I will not fear. What can MAN do to me? The Lord is for me among those who help me; therefore I shall see MY DESIRE on those who hate me. It is better to trust the Lord than to put confidence in man."

Leadership is a lonely place. A Christian Leader is an even lonelier place. The short amount of time that I have spent in the military, this has been the an eye-opening experience to the sadness of the world we all live in. I give all glory to God for the kindness, sensitivity, and love for people that I attempt to portray in my daily life. I know that He made me this way for a reason. I know that He instilled these characteristics about me for a reason. I am not sure what that reason is yet.. though, sometimes I think I know, I am quickly reminded that I am wrong.

My mentor in the military tells me that there is a place for all types of leadership in the military. I do agree. However, its tough when I am the minority. My heart is in a place to help people. It is in a place to comfort, guide, and mentor people (whatever their rank/position) whenever I feel led. This complicates my life in the military. I am told "You're too sensitive." "You care too much Loggins." Well, the initial reaction that I feel is hurt. I do not like people judging my leadership capabilities. I do not like people telling me to change, and I know that basically what they are wanting is for me to be more like them. Well, I don't want to be like them. I want to be me. Just because my leadership is not like theirs, does not mean that it is wrong, just different. And different is okay.  My husband loves me for me, my family loves me for me. (I hope ;))

I remember growing up that someone told me, you want to live a life where people look at you and say to themselves, "I want to be like her because she has something special going on with her. Why is she is happy and kind? What gives?" Well, the answer to that would be the Love of Jesus. And it always has been. I have The Spirit living inside me, and I can't help but to love people (as best I know how). By all means, I am NOT saying that I am this happy, go-lucky, always perfectly happy kinda person, believe me I am not, and if you don't, ask my husband :) But, I do try to put a smile on my face, care about everyone's day, their lives, their children, their parents, their pets, career,etc. I make the attempt everyday. These Soldiers are worth my efforts.

What is more important? Always having an open door for my Soldiers and creating an environment where they feel comfortable and ultimately (hopefully) they see the Love of God shine through? Or, is it be more like the non-believers and the people who try to change my heart? I think the answer is clear here. But, that doesn't mean the battle is over. It only means I understand the battle, for now anyways.

Here is a perfect song, just for good measure :)

Father God, I am clay in your hands,
Help me to stay that way through all life's demands,
'Cause they chip and they nag and they pull at me,
And every little thing I make up my mind to be,
Like I'm gonna be a daddy whose in the mix,
And I'm gonna be a husband who stays legit,
And I pray that I'm an artist who rises above,
The road that is wide and filled with self love,
Everything that I see draws me,
Though it's only in You that I can truly see that its a feast for the eyes- a low blow to purpose.
And I'm a little kid at a three ring circus.

I don't want to gain the whole world, and lose my soul,
Don't wanna walk away, let me hear the people say.

Dear Heavenly Father, I come to You this afternoon to ask Your strength. I ask for You teach me Father, to place my confidence in You, and in You alone. I know that You have put me here for a reason, and I pray that I accomplish that mission for you. I pray that Your will be done while in this place of Christian loneliness. I pray for Your strength for the battles I will face in the name of You. I pray that these battles do not break me spiritually, but strengthen me. I trust you Jesus, and I love You for who You are and what You are doing in my life.

Already There

From where I'm standing
Lord it's so hard for me to see
Where this is going
And where You're leading me
I wish I knew how
All my fears and all my questions
Are gonna play out
In a world I can't control

Above is the first verse to the song "Already There" by Casting Crowns. This verse, along with the rest of the song, has touched my heart deeply the last few months. The power of music (lyrically), overwhelms me! The words touch my heart and affect me in a way that few things can. Lord, from where I am standing it's so hard to for me to see why my Granny is not here with me today. Its so hard to understand why God took my Mamaw before NTC, my friend Sarah shortly after that, my Granny over block leave and my Grandpa while here in Afghanistan, all in a 6 month time frame. Its so hard for me to understand why you have put Justin and I through so much in our short amount of time of being together. Its so hard for me to understand so many things that have happened the past few years that have so much to bear for myself and my family.

I know that every family, every individual, every couple go through tough times. I realize that we are not being targeted or God is putting us through difficult times because its what we deserve. Going through the storm is never easy. Pushing through when I feel like I cant even move my legs to get out of bed, yes, these are tough times. The uncontrollable tears streaming down my face, asking why, begging please-- these times are only temporary.

Now that I am able to look back on these life events that have been the exact opposite of enjoyable, they are life lessons that I (we) have all learned and unfortunatly we will continue to learn. However, I attempted to send my sweet mom encouraging words a few days ago as she is still very much struggling with the loss of her sweet momma. My words were something along the lines of, "Mom, we dont NEED to understand why God has made these decisions. We can be grateful because we KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that we serve a God who has OUR very best interests at heart, and sometimes those best interests send us through dark times. God does not need our consent to do what He knows is best for us, if He did, we would be in a much worse place than we are now." We trust Him to take care of us, but when things are hard, we dont understand. We NEED to understand, but we cant understand why He would take people at the times He does. But I do understand that He is in control, and He knows best, and I am thankful for that. I am not quite sure how people get through these incredibly tough times without God's grace, trust and never ending love.

Last thing I will say about this is that I love and miss my Granny so much. Yesterday, I was sitting with a friend and the chaplain. My friend was talking about how she hopes she doesnt have to go through losing a grandparent or anyone for that matter, while she is here. I said, "I hope you dont either, it sucks." She said, you had that happen to you? I said yes, I did. My Grandpa Ernest passed away last week. ((She was on a mission which is why she didnt already know)) Anyways, we got to talking, and I talked about how I had lost three grandparents and a friend the past 6 months. As soon as I opened my mouth about God deciding to take Granny so soon, I started crying, right there in the middle of the dfac. Oh, sometimes I am not fond of my sensitivity! But, I gathered myself and explained that I didnt need to know why anymore, I just needed to trust that God knows best and I am thankful for that. I miss you Granny, and you know this. So many people miss you, but I know that there isnt a time difference anymore, me being in Afghanistan doesnt make you any closer or further away from me either! Praise the Lord.

Father God, I know that You have my (our) best interests at heart. I know that You know the limits that we all have individually and as a family and I am thankful that I was born into a family that loves You. I am thankful for your Son who made it possible to spend eternity with You, who made it possible for me to know without any doubt that my sweet grandparents are having the time of their lives with You at this very second. I thank You for this Father God. I am thankful for the knowledge that we will be with them again for eternity and how glorious that will be! I can see Granny doing her funny little dance that I will never in my life forget, and that little dance I will pass on to our childen when you do bless us with them. I love you God, lovey lovey, kissy kissy. Amen!