Already There

From where I'm standing
Lord it's so hard for me to see
Where this is going
And where You're leading me
I wish I knew how
All my fears and all my questions
Are gonna play out
In a world I can't control

Above is the first verse to the song "Already There" by Casting Crowns. This verse, along with the rest of the song, has touched my heart deeply the last few months. The power of music (lyrically), overwhelms me! The words touch my heart and affect me in a way that few things can. Lord, from where I am standing it's so hard to for me to see why my Granny is not here with me today. Its so hard to understand why God took my Mamaw before NTC, my friend Sarah shortly after that, my Granny over block leave and my Grandpa while here in Afghanistan, all in a 6 month time frame. Its so hard for me to understand why you have put Justin and I through so much in our short amount of time of being together. Its so hard for me to understand so many things that have happened the past few years that have so much to bear for myself and my family.

I know that every family, every individual, every couple go through tough times. I realize that we are not being targeted or God is putting us through difficult times because its what we deserve. Going through the storm is never easy. Pushing through when I feel like I cant even move my legs to get out of bed, yes, these are tough times. The uncontrollable tears streaming down my face, asking why, begging please-- these times are only temporary.

Now that I am able to look back on these life events that have been the exact opposite of enjoyable, they are life lessons that I (we) have all learned and unfortunatly we will continue to learn. However, I attempted to send my sweet mom encouraging words a few days ago as she is still very much struggling with the loss of her sweet momma. My words were something along the lines of, "Mom, we dont NEED to understand why God has made these decisions. We can be grateful because we KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that we serve a God who has OUR very best interests at heart, and sometimes those best interests send us through dark times. God does not need our consent to do what He knows is best for us, if He did, we would be in a much worse place than we are now." We trust Him to take care of us, but when things are hard, we dont understand. We NEED to understand, but we cant understand why He would take people at the times He does. But I do understand that He is in control, and He knows best, and I am thankful for that. I am not quite sure how people get through these incredibly tough times without God's grace, trust and never ending love.

Last thing I will say about this is that I love and miss my Granny so much. Yesterday, I was sitting with a friend and the chaplain. My friend was talking about how she hopes she doesnt have to go through losing a grandparent or anyone for that matter, while she is here. I said, "I hope you dont either, it sucks." She said, you had that happen to you? I said yes, I did. My Grandpa Ernest passed away last week. ((She was on a mission which is why she didnt already know)) Anyways, we got to talking, and I talked about how I had lost three grandparents and a friend the past 6 months. As soon as I opened my mouth about God deciding to take Granny so soon, I started crying, right there in the middle of the dfac. Oh, sometimes I am not fond of my sensitivity! But, I gathered myself and explained that I didnt need to know why anymore, I just needed to trust that God knows best and I am thankful for that. I miss you Granny, and you know this. So many people miss you, but I know that there isnt a time difference anymore, me being in Afghanistan doesnt make you any closer or further away from me either! Praise the Lord.

Father God, I know that You have my (our) best interests at heart. I know that You know the limits that we all have individually and as a family and I am thankful that I was born into a family that loves You. I am thankful for your Son who made it possible to spend eternity with You, who made it possible for me to know without any doubt that my sweet grandparents are having the time of their lives with You at this very second. I thank You for this Father God. I am thankful for the knowledge that we will be with them again for eternity and how glorious that will be! I can see Granny doing her funny little dance that I will never in my life forget, and that little dance I will pass on to our childen when you do bless us with them. I love you God, lovey lovey, kissy kissy. Amen!