You got my back?

The relationship between a Platoon Leader and Platoon Sergeant is incredibly delicate. Typically, the PL has only been in the Army from 1 day- 2 years and the PSG has been in the Army a minimum of probably 12 years. The vast difference in experience is incredible. But, the PL is in charge of the PSG. The PL rates the PSG and can directly affect their promotions, awards, and just overall career progression. The amount of leadership that is put on the Baby LT’s shoulders is incredible, but I guess that is why they are leaders. They are leaders from day one. Soldiers’ lives and welfare is in their hands on day one. Lessons are typically learned the hard way, there doesn’t seem to be a “let’s ease into this” attitude- at least in my experience.

So, my type of leadership is that the PSG is my counterpart.Which we are. There are things that the PSG does to accomplish the mission, and there are things that the PL primarily does to accomplish the mission and therefore, the mission is accomplished together. That is the ideal model. I do not believe that there are ‘NCO’ lanes and there are ‘Officer’ lanes- they are all leader lanes. This viewpoint is not popular in the military. Granted, there are lanes that the NCO will typically walk on, and lanes that are typically filled with Officers, but there are several times in the realm of leadership that these lanes are co-mingled. As long as the mission is accomplished in its most effective and professional manner, then all is well.

Not until I moved to this position as the Contracting Officer had I had the ‘ideal’ professional relationship with my PSG. Though my current counterpart is not my PSG, and I am not his PL, the relationship mirrors that of platoon leadership. We have one Soldier who he primarily takes care of, but that does not mean I do not care for the Soldier or follow up on him. I do not rate my counterpart, but I do not think that would make much of a difference if I did. The only difference is we would sit down quarterly and discuss his work performance and as far as I am concerned, it is outstanding.

The relationship between the PL and the PSG is so vitally important. It can make or break you. It can either cause you to dread going to work or the relationship can assist you throughout the daily madness. And thankfully, my counterpartand I have that second option. The daily madness that we deal with is unbelievable, but we are each other’s confidant. We complain to each other, because sometimes that is the only thing we can say. We discuss professional development and how to deal with difficult leadership. We discuss life in general too, his family, my family, movies, music, cars, just life.

I have learned so much from him, which is also part of the ideal model of this dynamic of a relationship. I think a successful relationship requires both parties to be humble. The PL needs to be humble enough to learn from the NCO because of the experience that they have. The PSG needs to be humble enough to teach them and be content with the structure of the Army, thatis just the way it is. The Baby LT didn’t make the structure to where the 22 year old college graduate is in charge of the 37 year old war veteran with 6 tours under their belt.

So, thank you to my counterpart for having my back. It really is one of the best feelings to know that I can trust the person that I sit next to 12 hours of the day. To know that I can confide in you has really changed my jaded view on the Army. More importantly, thank you for showing me that the NCO’s I thought should exist, really do exist. Thank you for living up to your NCO creed and supporting me as I learn and grow. You have set the standard for the next NCO that I work with and I thank you for that firepower because now I can speak from experience, not just from the books. Thank you for correcting Soldiers for not doing the right thing, and thank you for reminding me that I am doing a good job. Thank you for reminding me on my days of weakness that I need to toughen up. Thank you for encouraging me to go get my Masters Degree, and making sure that mymilitary records are updated. I could go on and on with thanks but I will end it here--Thank you for making these last 6 months of the deployment far more bearable and even at times enjoyable as we laughed through the craziness. Thank you, SFC O’Neal.

PFC Williams, myself, and SFC O'Neal. 

A Hero of Mine

SPC Gardner- raise  your right hand and repeat after me.

“I, (state your name) (Shaun Gardner), do solemnly swear, that I will support and defend, the Constitution of the United States, against all enemies, foreign and domestic, and that I will bear true faith, and alleigiance to the same, and that I will obey the orders of the President of the United States, and the orders of the officers appointed over me, according to regulation, and the Uniform Code of Military Justice, so help me God.”

On July 4^th, 2013 on FOB Walton Afghanistan, SPC Gardner repeated these words after I said them in front of our Battalion. It is an officer who always enlists and/or reenlists someone and SPC Gardner requested that I be that officer for him. This was my first reenlistment that I had ever conducted and it truly was an honor. I am not sure there will be another day where a reenlistment is done on July 4^th because typically, we have that day off! J Thankfully, he gave me about a month in advance in order for me to memorize the oath. It isn’t required by any means, but it feels more heartfelt that way. I practiced with SFC O’Neal and PFC Williams quite often that month and SPC Gardner and I practiced over and over again the day of and thankfully, we did great! I about stumbled on one of the lines, but I caught myself.

As we were standing in front of all these Soldiers taking this oath, my hand was shaking, and I was staring into his eyes and it hit me, right in the middle of the oath, that this is what a hero looks like. He is deployed to Afghanistan, away from his girlfriend, his family and friends and yet he is still taking an oath to serve additional years to our country. It is not easy over here. Do not get me wrong, we aren’t treated bad or anything like that, but it is hard to be away from families and just stuck here- but he has the strength, courage, and pride to say that he will continue to make this sacrifice for even more years than he has already given. Not many people can say they reenlisted a true here, on July 4^th, in Afghanistan and I am thankful I am blessed with this memory. Thank you, SPC Gardner, you are my hero!

 

 

Nature of the beast

My job is incredibly interesting, as I've stated several times in my little blog here. My counterpart, SFC O'Neal calls me a little city manager. It sure feels like it sometimes! If I were a betting woman, (which I'm not!) I would be able to bet that 5 out of the 7 mornings I go into work, there is someone waiting on me to help them, I have several missed calls and for sure countless emails. So, there isn't ever settling into the day or even the morning... It's waking up, putting the worn out uniform on, putting on my boots that are still too big for me, putting on the shades, cap and slinging my weapon around my shoulder.. And enjoying the 45 seconds of silence it takes to walk from my tent to work (and that's if there isn't anyone along the way)! 

Typically, I love my job. But on days like today, I struggled. One of these days, I'll try to document a typical day :) but, we have a water tank on the FOB that gives us running water to one of our main locations. Well, it has struggled to stay together the past few days. Pipes were busted, and then it was a pump. One of those problems where it is one thing after another. I have learned the mentality that it IS going to be okay. It'll get fixed, no sense in getting all upset over it. But most people don't see it that way. They want it fixed as soon as they get done complaining to me. The way I see it, we need to be thankful we have running water, period! It's not the only shower, it's just the most convenient shower. I understand convenience. I like it myself. But come on Soldier, we are in Afghanistan and it could always be worse. 

Sometimes, there are just more important things to be angry about. One of four showers having some problems just isn't one of them. First world problems in a third world country. So, stuff like this tends to get under my skin and naturally I'm the one that falls on sword because I am the representative for the contractors. It is the nature of the beast to assist with things that I see worthy, and even the ones I don't see why I have to jump through hoops to make happen. :) 

So, ahaha, magic! The showers are fixed now :) I took myself one, and put on a little bit of makeup because even in sunny Afghanistan, sometimes you have to make your own sunshine :) xoxo

Persecuted

I have struggled with how to write this particular blog for a few days now. I have been thinking about it, but I was not sure where to go with it, or really what to say that would be productive instead of just venting!

However, God opened my eyes today and I am so thankful to Him for it! Ever since high school, I have been persecuted/lied about for several different reasons. Things that I had not done, but was persecuted anyways. Though I am in the military, and a grown woman, these actions have not stopped. I guess I shouldnt expect them to stop. Silly me.

Now, I am not going into the details about the rumor, or the Soldier because of privacy. However, they are false. But, I had a Soldier come to me and ask to speak to me. Naturally, I said yes, of course. One, as a leader in the military, it is my responsibility to care for Soldiers. Two, it is my moral obligation as a Christian Soldier to care for Soldiers. We went to the gazebo we have on ground here, and we talked for about 2 hours about the struggles of his life.

He mentioned he knew there was something different about me; he hadn't spoken about his life in the past year; and he had never been as honest as he was with me- ever. I told him the reason he felt inclinded to speak to me was because of my love for Jesus, I had something he didnt have. For the following week- we would have dinner together, talking about going home; we would have lunch together and talk about Christian songs; or we would meet at our gazebo and talk about why God allows us to go through such hard things in life. We wouldnt have every meal together, or meet every night at the gazebo, but this one week turned into something to other people that was not true.

Now, initially I was so heartbroken people automatically assume the worst about me.

Quick vent>> There is not a pool of women in the military for me to hang out with. Two, I am not going to turn someone away. Three, it is not fair to me that if I eat lunch or dinner with someone, it is automatically the worst. Four, it makes me feel like beauty is a curse. Five, don't people have anything better to do than to monitor me?! Okay, I am done. <<

However, this Soldier said to me... "Ma'am, I want you to know that you have probably saved my life. You are the kindest, most good hearted person I have ever met." I wouldnt take back one second I spent with this Soldier to spare the rumors because I may have saved his life, through the grace of God. This Soldier is worth the rumors, the feelings of sadness and betrayal. This Soldier needed someone to listen to him, to not judge him, and to point him to the cross.

I gave this Soldier a Bible with highlighted verses about temptation, struggles, forgiveness, strength and courage. I gave this Soldier Christian songs to inspire and encourage him. I wrote this Soldier a prayer of strength to get him through his next few months. What have I done wrong? Nothing. But because the military can't handle a male and female hanging out together without it being something it isnt, it really has been a struggle. I thought we were in the military, grown individuals who can have adult conversations without having their name drug through the mud- my bad. (Whoops, that was another small rant!)

But you know what my precious people- God is good. All the time, God is good! (Right mom?) :) As I was reading my Bible today, I came across Matthew 5: 11-12. I did not search for it, it just happened to be where I was at in my readings today.

"God blesses you when people mock you and persecute you and lie about you and say all sorts of evil things against you because you are my followers. Be happy about it! Be very glad! For a great reward awaits you in Heaven. And remember, the ancient prophets were persecuted in the same way."

So, if you think about him today prayer warriors- pray for him. Pray for him to feel the presence of God. He needs to know he is loved, forgiven, and he has the strength to do the right thing through the power of God. God does not forsake His people and He will not forsake you. I have prayed that God will overflow his cup with courage and strength. I pray that God will put the perfect people in his life to bring him to a place of knowing You God, and a place of happiness. God, You are a good and merciful God. I know that You will protect him if He seeks you. But Father, I ask that You just intervene when he is feeling tempted. In the name of Jesus- take the temptation away. Sometimes we are not strong enough to turn away, but I am praying on his behalf God! For we know prayer is the strongest of all. I am praying that Your promise of hope and future is fulfilled in his life. I place this son of Yours into Your hands God. There isnt a better place for him to be- and whether or not he remembers it or not- he needs You. Help him to feel and know that there are several people across this world praying for him, encouraging him and lifting him up to You.

And thank you God for showing me these verses today- You are slowly putting the life back into me. You saw the ultimate sadness I was feeling. You heard my cries, You caught my tears, You saw my empty hands that I tried to lift to You. Thank You for giving me another day, even when I didnt care to have another day. I love You God, thank You for loving Your children and making everything new.

My Prayer at Church this Morning

I was asked by the Chaplain's Assistant to say the opening prayer this morning. I was up until 3am this morning, with a heavy heart about things happening here at FOB Walton. I wrote this prayer with a heavy heart, hoping it would help someone else too.

Father God, I come before you as Your daughter. I first want to thank You for all You have done this far. Thank You for the safety, protection, security and the support of family and friends. I especially want to thank You for Your never-ending love, the undeserved grace, the mercy that we are unworthy of and the forgiveness that is as far as the east is from the west. One thing I know, no matter how perfect a person thinks they are, we are never good enough; but, how great a feeling to be loved unconditionally in spite of all of our failures and weaknesses.

May we humble ourselves to realize this so that we can learn to love others better, and point them to the cross. Also God, I would like to ask for Your full armor that is promised in Ephesians 6. I don’t know what Your beloved children have gone through this week, but You know this child has cried and poured her heart out to You. Some days I am so tired, and worn from the actions and words of people. This is a spiritual warfare that I am going through Father. Some days I hold empty hands to You, with tears flowing, and my heart is heavy with the work it takes to keep on breathing. My soul is crushed by the weight of this world, so I am crying out with all that I have left. Let us see redemption win, let us know the struggle ends. You God can mend a heart that is frail and torn. You are a God whose love tears me up inside, and then it puts me back together again.

I pray that You give us the strength to share Your love. The devil is sending people to try to put out Your flame in me, but I’ve read the end of Your Word and WE WIN! Praise God for Your promises in Jeremiah 29:11 that we have hope and a future; and Philippians 4:13 that we can do all things through You because You give us strength.

I pray that when we are hurt by the sadness in this world, that we only take that opportunity to draw closer to You and not turn our hearts and spirit to bitterness. There is victory because You are my God! I know You hear the thoughts of Your children and I just ask God, that you provide for them as Your Word promises. Hear their cries, praises, hurts, and needs. Help them to hear, see, or feel Your answer. And if the door isn’t opening, just stand in the hallway and be still, for we know You are God. I love You God, thank for making all things new. In Your perfect and Holy name I pray, Amen.

 

 

 

Vacation from 'Home'

Vacation from “Home”

Let me just start off saying that I absolutely love my job! I wish that this job was something that I did all the time. I enjoy it so much because it is different. The job is never stagnant. There is something new happening all the time. I receive problems all day long and I see them as opportunities to learn something new, and to help people out in whatever way that I can. I really enjoy it. I hear random things all day, and several times I have said, “You know, I have never dealt with this issue before but let me see what I can find out for you!” And, then I start the mission of figuring it out- love it!

So, I was presented with an opportunity a week or so ago. We are in the process of building up this camp that we are living in order to accommodate more Soldiers to live here. We are also in the process of a diplomatic move, and working side-by-side with the Lithuanian Army and the Engineers are building a compound for them. So, in order to do this, we need supplies. We need materials and tools. The Engineers are absolutely outstanding and have been able to do most of the work, but considering the fact that we are in Afghanistan, they don’t have everything they need right in front of them. So, I was told that another location was closing down and they were willing to allow me to take whatever I would like. So, instead of just me going, I took two subject matter experts (an electrician and plumber)- outstanding guys!

We started our adventure early that morning- and sat for 3 hours as we waited for the convoy to show up to pick us up. We were split up into three different trucks, and I was in the front truck. The Soldiers I rode with were the Military Police (MPs) and they were very good to me. They hooked up a headset for me so that I could listen to everything that was happening. As we drove along, they would tell me things about what we saw. We saw Afghan police stations, farmers, a farmers market type deal, a canal that runs through the city, and the location they drop our black water (gross!) We arrived safe and sound, and it was good to arrive on site. As soon as we got on ground, we walked to the headquarters building, let them know we were on their COP and asked where we would be staying. We dropped our stuff off in our rooms (and my room was nicer than the one I have here on Walton) and then we went and had lunch.

This COP is experiencing the downsizing, and this was the first day it had taken affect. The change was the civilians were no longer going to be maintaining their FOB (the MWR, the DFAC etc). So, MRE’s were for lunch! It wasn’t bad, I had tuna and we watched TV as we ate. While we were eating, the DFAC Soldiers found out that the two guys I was with were Engineers and began asking them to build them something! SGT Gabrielle and SGT O’Conner said they knew that was going to happen, it was only a matter of time. But, being the good guys they are, they took the specs for the door the Soldiers were asking them to build and said they would be back after dinner.

After lunch, we went to the DynCorp compound to being looking at their excess material and started saying what we wanted, and what we didn’t have a need for. This is an example of where the government wastes so much money. If someone didn’t claim these items, they would be sent higher, and either be sent to another FOB (hopefully) or be destroyed. We are talking about brand new tools in boxes, connexes full of construction materials, water heaters, and in some really sad cases, 50inch TVs for example! But, that’s another matter! J So, we inventoried and selected 4-5 connexes of items.

Following that, SGT Gabrielle, SGT O’Conner and myself went to their little gazebo and just sat. The breeze was blowing, it was warm but not too warm, drank some cold water and they smoked cigarettes and we just relaxed. We don’t really get that time here on Walton. There is just too much happening. We then decided to meet up for dinner a couple hours later. The guys went and took a nap, and I went to the MWR and went to klove.com and downloaded the latest, greatest Christian songs. I just don’t have that free time at Walton- so it was amazing to get some new music! We then met up for dinner at the DFAC. DynCorp had ordered about 3 weeks of food, but the Soldiers had to cook it. It was SO delicious. We had cordon bleu, vegetables, little cheesecakes and of course, Dr. Pepper! After that, I went and showered and had the best shower I have had the entire deployment. The water pressure was outstanding, it was hot and the shower curtains even had little flowers on them J It is absolutely the small things. I then went to the DFAC and hung out with the guys as they built this door for the DFAC. We then proceeded to watch “A beautiful mind” – phenomenal movie! But, we didn’t finish it because they were too tired J

I then got to spend some awesome time with my friend, Jayni! She lives on that COP! She works night shift at the Entry Control Point, so there we were, a couple girls, sitting in the Entry Control Point with little cheesecakes, soda and having girl talk J We were up talking until 0130, and it was much needed. It is so incredibly cool to have such a close female friend deployed with you, and it brings you back to home, even just for a few hours. Just for a few hours, things are normal and the way they are supposed to be. It was wonderful.

We got up the next day, the guys got a gator and picked up all my kit and bags so I didn’t have to carry it, and I got breakfast and we made our way to the convoy brief. Convoy briefs talk about any significant actions the past few days, the mission, battle drills, and the route. We then kitted up, got into our trucks and headed ‘home.’ This crew wasn’t near as hospitable as the first, if I do say so myself! J But, we made it back safely and that is all that matters. As we drove, I watched the crazy traffic outside, the vehicle in front of us, and the gunner as he continually scanned his sector. These Soldiers (no matter how kind or hospitable they are or aren’t) are daily risking their lives. They daily put their bulletproof kits on, scan their sectors, and drive to the next mission. May God continue to protect them!

Shurandam is where we went, and it was small. They only had internet in the MWR, there wasn’t much happening and it was incredibly relaxing. It was a vacation away from ‘home.’ We didn’t have emails to check, bosses to answer to, questions to answer, or phones to answer. It was peaceful. We didn’t want to leave. But, every new day is a day closer to our real home. Happy for this little adventure I took with these two awesome Soldiers.

Dad's are Awesome :)

Today, I just wanted to write about the precious men who have been outstanding Father’s in my life. In the darkness, there is light! And the light here is 4 dads! I love you all and thankful for each of you!

First off, my daddy. We have had our ups and downs the past few years, but the love that a father and daughter have for each other is strong enough to make it work. I am thankful that we were able to see each other before I deployed, and we have talked very often since I have been deployed. I am thankful for the song ‘Forgiveness’ by Matthew West because it gave me the courage to try again with our relationship, and here we are, almost a year later, going strong. Thank you for your help and understanding while I have been out here. If anyone understands what I am going through, it is you which is why I am so thankful that we have mended our relationship. I know that I can depend on you for help, advice and just to listen to me if I need to talk about anything happening here. I love you daddy, Baby Jessica.
Poppy- you have been the best husband for my mom, and a great father to me. Thank you for accepting me as your own. I am so thankful you were able to be there for so many of the special events in my life, those moments will never come again for me and I am happy you were there for them! Thank you for supporting Justin and I, and always being there for us.  You are going to be such a great father for little sister Madalyn- she is so blessed to have such Godly parents raising her. You are such a Godly inspiration to me, and to Justin. You always have been since those years and years ago when I first met you for Falls Creek! How exciting to see God’s plan work out.  I love you, Poppy! Happy Fathers Day! Love, Baby Girl.

Marty- you are an awesome Father-in-Law! I am so thankful to have you in my life! I am thankful I married Justin and I inherited such an outstanding family! I want to say thank you for everything that you did to raise Justin! You have been such an influence in his life and we are both so thankful for you. Thank you for all the lake trips where I learned to love the lake life. Thank you for helping Justin take care of our babies while I have been away. I know that they stress you out and make a mess, but you still offered to take care of them and that meant a lot to me when I heard that! I love and miss you! Love, your daughter-in-law!

Donnie Jack- I am thankful that I have two father-in-laws in my life!  That just means a bigger family and that is awesome! I am thankful for you! I enjoy going up to the mountain to shoot guns and ride the 4-wheelers. It is always an adventure whenever we go up there, that is for sure! We always leave with some kind of a story to tell! I am not sure if I am the daughter-in-law you dreamed for your son, but I am sure trying to make him happy and be everything that he deserves to have. I look forward to seeing you again. I love and miss you!  Love, your daughter-in-law!  

You Don't Want My Perfection

The world may want my perfection, thankfully the One who created the world, He doesn't want it. 

For the past few days, I have struggled with an overwhelming sadness. It typically doesn’t take me long to get over some things, but certain things have really caused for a prolonged “get over” time period. I feel the struggle with this because I don’t want to wake up and face the cruel world that we live in. I just want to cuddle up in my bed, and hide away from the world. 

Ever since I was high school, I have struggled with this. The world is so mean and cruel. The strength to have to face it, sometimes it just cant be found. As I go throughout my day, I cant make eye contact with anyone. The smile on my face is not able to function. The joy in my life is buried somewhere. And sadly, the hope I should have slowly fades away. This has nothing to do with war, or what I have seen or haven’t seen. For some reason, this affects me more than it probably should. My heart breaks over this. The power that it has, the affects that it has on me, it is far too much for me to bear sometimes. Though, I do not have another option except to lean into God; which, is the best option, even if there were others. 

I do not know if people realize the affects they have on people, especially the negative ones. I want to have the reputation of being a joy, being a light, and being genuine to someone. I pray for His strength because I have nothing left to give. I pray that He gives me joy that overcomes drama. I pray for His confidence in every action that I take, every word that is said, and every smile. I live for You King Jesus, and this world will not take what You have given me. I will not submit to the evilness to this world, but I will stand for I am redeemed. <<< This is how I want to feel. This is the spirit I want to have. By the power of God, I will conquer this. As my mom always says, this too shall pass.

Please, my faithful prayer warriors, pray for my strength. I struggled for about 3 days, I did much better yesterday afternoon and then again this morning, but this afternoon, I feel like I am going backwards. I feel better after typing this out, and listening to Christian music. I took a break from work to come be in my room and take the time I need to pray, listen to music, and type. Love to you all. xoxoxo

Show Me What It Means

I was driving around today on the 4-wheeler and I thought to myself, what an interesting life this is. I am a 24 year old woman, feminine, married, a mom to 3 fur babies and here I am, wearing this dusty, sweaty uniform, riding a 4-wheeler with a M4 strapped to my side and in Afghanistan. At the time, there were Blackhawks taking off from the helipad and I was escorting Afghan Nationals onto the FOB in order to off load some equipment.

Our FOB is only getting bigger and somehow, this tasking has fallen mostly on my shoulders. It keeps me incredibly busy though, which is awesome for the days to pass. But seriously, not even a few years ago would I have seen myself escorting Afghan Nationals onto a FOB in Afghanistan. The logistics of this is incredibly interesting and I am really enjoying learning how it all works. Today for instance, we had the trucks come in. I was notified they were there so I made the necessary arrangements to have the crane and forklift on site. I arrive to the location I have to pick the Afghans up from, and they climb in their trucks. I lead the way on the 4-wheeler, as 7 flatbed trucks follow me onto the FOB and to the yard I have deemed as my own for storage. While I am driving, I look behind me to make sure they are following each other like little ducklings in a row and they were. I have them all park, and the crane and forklift begin their work. I turn the 4-wheeler off and kick back in the 115-degree weather and supervise (and put some serious sunscreen on!)

The Afghans start to come up to me to ask me for water, I don’t have any cold water. They motion for me to turn around and go get them some; I try to explain that I can’t leave them because I have to keep eyes on them, naturally they don’t understand so I just motion for them to go back to their trucks. Two or three more times, they keep asking. So, I stand up, with my M4 at my side and they quit coming up to me J Of course, when I saw another Soldier, I posted him with them and went and got them some water- I can’t pass the needy and speak Jesus on my lips. But, security is more important.

This country is really interesting, but as interesting as it is, I am ready to get home. I pray that God shows me what it means to be here. What is His greater purpose for me while I am here? So show me what it means, to take up my cross, and count it all as lost. All for the sake, of knowing You. To love my enemies, and care for those in need. Show me what it means, to follow You.

The crane taking Colorado Barriers off the back of a flat bed. 

One of the Afghan National truck drivers.

Challenge: Accepted!

Good Afternoon my sweet followers--

I am truly blessed that you are even reading this at all. Thank you for taking the time out of your day to read about trials, tribulations and my blessings.

I have not written lately, and that is mainly because there hasn't been much worthy of taking up your precious time. However, as of late.. I think the time has come to write again.

I have a new job :) I was the Officer in Charge (OIC) of the Aid Station on this FOB. In that position, I am simulatanouesly the Platoon Leader for Clinical Platoon. A Platoon Leader is the best job that you can have as an Officer. Why? Because, you are working with the Soldiers. You work right next to them. You get to know them, understand them and watch them grow. Though I don't have children-I imagine it is much like having children. You rejoice with them in their success, you help and guide them in their time of need. It really is the best and most rewarding job. Like any job, it came with its complications and challenges--but by the power of God and some faithful family, friends and mentors, I overcame those challenges.

God has decided to challenge me once again. Late Saturday night, 23MAR, my company commander came and got me and said that I was being moved to another position. We went and talked to the Battalion Executive Officer and Battalion Commander (they are both one level above the company). I was told that I was a replacement for an individual on the FOB, for reasons I can't go into here.

This new job is called Lead Contracting Officer Representative. There are contractors (civilians) on this FOB for plumbing, electrical, vector control etc. There are countless jobs on this FOB that are held by civlians. My new job is to audit 6 of these different jobs to ensure they are performing their duties in accordance with the contract that they have made with the government. It is also my job to approve/deny small improvements made on the FOB. This is a BIG job-- not so much busy--but, it is detail-oriented and I have to watch my P's and Q's to ensure that I don't break any of the hundred of rules of being a contracting officer. This is completely out of my realm considering my branch is Medical Services. I have done this job once before-- at NTC-- but, it was an additional duty (meaning I still kept my Platoon) and it was only 2 contracts.

So, on Sunday-- I had to say my first good-bye to my Platoon as their Platoon Leader considering this new job is a full time job. I will be going back to Charlie Company upon returning home, but I will not be taking the platoon home that I brought here. So, that in itself is a challenge. The way this move was conducted was completely unprofessional, and I can still feel the sting of the kick to my backside. I should feel honored that the Battalion Command Team trusts me with such a big job-- but I also feel betrayed that I wasn't fought for by my Company Leadership (which as my mentor would say, "BIG SURPRISE, JESSICA").

Positives: I am still on the FOB-- thankfully I did not have to move my awesome little area. I still get to see the best Soldiers the Army has to offer and they still include me in things that are happening within the company. I am no longer working for inconsiderate person I was working for (BIG positive). This is considered Staff time-- so maybe I wont have to stay away from the Soldiers so much. I am learning a new job that is going to look great on a resume and my military evaluation because it is completely out of my scope and I plan to do very well at this job. I work with three civilians in this office and they are all incredibly nice and receptive to me.

Challenges: I have no idea what I am doing :) The person I am replacing is not receptive to me being here and learning their job-- because they are bitter and angry. Of course, not being the PL for my Soldiers anymore is the biggest hit of all.

There are less challenges than there are positives-- which is good. The song that has gotten me through this transition is called, 'I will wait' by John Waller. Here are some great lyrics from it:

I will move ahead, bold and confident, Taking every step in obedience, While I'm waiting, I will serve You, While I'm waiting, I will worship, While I'm waiting, I will not faint, I'll be running the race, Even while I wait. Though it's painful, I will wait.

Father God, thank You for guiding my future. Thank You for the promise that Your plan is not harm me, but for me to prosper. How good You are! I will continue on in this position, asking for Your help and for You to use me as You see fit. I can already see the difference that You hope for me to be here, and I thank You for the ability to see that. Please bless me as I figure this job out, fill my cup until it overflows with patience and love. Continue to break my heart for what breaks Yours God, I will move ahead, bold and confident in You. In your precious and ever holy, Holy name I pray, Amen.

My Inspiration: Women's History

Good morning Church! Ch. Hopkins asked me to speak about womens history today and I asked him whom he would like me to speak on, and he said it didn’t matter to him, whoever I wanted. So, that night I thought to myself, I know a lot of famous people who have done amazing and inspirational things, how will I choose. My list is something like Corrie Ten Boom, Anne Franke, Beth Moore, and Mandisa. However, I struggled with who to choose and why I choose them. They all have done and/or said inspiring things that I am sure most people would be affected by. But late that night, God laid it on my heart that I should speak about my sweet momma.

My momma taught me about Corrie Ten Boom. Corrie Ten Boom, along with her father and other family members, helped many Jews escape the Nazi Holocaust during World War II and wrote her most famous book The Hiding Place about the ordeal. My momma took me to the Hiding Place and explained to me the courage that Corrie Ten Boom had in Christ and how she lived her life serving others, offering her hiding place for those in need. Corrie says after surviving a prison camp, "There is no pit so deep that God’s love is not deeper still" and "God will give us the love to be able to forgive our enemies." 

Mom taught me Anne Frank was one of the most discussed Jewish victims of the Holocaust. Her diary has been the basis for several plays and films. She took me to the building where Anne Frank hid in the attic with her family and another family as the Nazi’s searched for them. My mom taught me the importance of history and the importance of appreciating my freedom. A portion of Anne Frank’s diary says, I want to be useful or bring enjoyment to all people, even those I've never met. I want to go on living even after my death! And that's why I'm so grateful to God for having given me this gift, which I can use to develop myself and to express all that's inside me!

Now Beth Moore is an American evangelist, author, and teacher. My mom has sent me a 10 week Bible Study written by Beth Moore to do while I am here, as she does it back home, and it has already begun to change my life. My mom daily encourages my Christian walk. We share our weaknesses and our strengths with one another and she references the Word to encourage me.

Mandisa is an American gospel and contemporary Christian recording artist. My mom has always raised me with Christian, inspiring music. Even when it was not easy for her, my mom found the strength to be the Christian example in our family. Christian music will strengthen us and even guide our attitudes throughout the day so she always taught me to listen to it.

I am sure most of us can relate to my message but I could not just honor one of those women for the inspiring things they have done in history when my mom has done what God has asked her to do. She has been leading me, showing me the example and always explaining the importance of a relationship with Jesus Christ. A long list of people have made a huge impact in my life but the greatest impact is the eternal impact, and I have my sweet mom to thank for pointing me to the cross these last 20+ years. Thank you momma, luv ya luv ya, kissy kissy.

Hold On, Just A Little Bit Longer...

2 Cor 12: 7-10

“Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. ⁸ Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. ⁹ But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ¹⁰ That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

This is the verse that has kept me going this week. The Chaplain on Sunday spoke the words that I needed to hear. (I LOVE when that happens!!) I have pleaded that God would take away the struggles that I am going through, or fix them, make them easier, please God, do something because this is not easy. But, He has not taken them away, He has not made them easier. But, I was reminded that just because He doesn’t answer my prayer the WAY that I want Him to answer, does not mean it is not being answered. He is leaving this thorn in my side for a reason. He is allowing me to suffer and struggle for a reason. In its own way, that is so incredibly comforting to me. He (the Chaplain) said that God will answer in three ways, “Yes, No, or hold on just a little bit longer.” My answer that He has given me is to hold on just a little bit longer, and I will continue to hold on.

I was also comforted in the reminder that my future is not in the hands of man. My future is in the hands of God. God will move through the people that are in charge of my future, and He will move them how He sees fit. Yes, everyone higher than me may be running this organization, but God is ultimately giving the orders, whether they know it or not, it doesn’t matter (thankfully). So why should I worry? God is in control, there isn’t any other hope or comfort that is better than that. What a relief that gave, how much joy arose in me because of this Godly reminder. God is in control.

That is all I have to say for this short blog. My struggles are the same but they have been brought to the attention of others who may or may not be able to help me. I have stood up for myself and my Soldiers. If things change, it’s because God has instructed them to. If things do not change, it is because has instructed them to stay the same. Either way, God’s instructions to me now are to hold on just a little bit longer, to not worry, and to know that His grace is sufficient and His power is made perfect in my weakness. How beautiful is this hard lesson I am learning.

Father God, thank you. Thank you for this lesson You are teaching. I love the reminder that You are in control, and that I am not here by accident. You are the ultimate orchestrator of my life and the lives of everyone and there isn’t a better musician than You. You have made all things beautiful, including this lesson and though it has been incredibly miserable, I do thank You. Please continue to guide me, and usually carry me through these next few days. Thank you for my mom and her sweet advice to me to pray to get me through the next hour, and pray again for each hour. I have done this, and you have not forsaken me. I praise You Lord and thank You. In Your precious and Holy Name I pray, Amen.

My Gift.. maybe. :)

On Sunday, I did not go to the 1030 service (that is another blog all in itself!) However, there is a general protestant service at 2030 that I went to instead. The Chaplain is one of the best Chaplains I have ever met. He is outstanding. And he did not let me down on Sunday night. Prior to walking over to the church, I told my friend Christy, "Chaplain Irwin better have something good for me tonight because I sure need it." And it was EXACTLY what I needed. 

I continue to struggle with who I am and what type of leader I am because it is so different than those around me. And it is still causing conflicts with those who I am supposed to depend on/lean on. However, the message at church was related to this issue, at least to me. 2 Corinthians chapter 12 talks about the gifts of people. "There are diversities of gifts but they are from the same Spirit." So, that led the preacher to ask us what our gifts are? Or what we may think our gifts are? I think it is important to know this, and realize this for several reasons.

1. This gift(s) was given to you by God, to be used for God. 
2. Knowing your strengths helps you in any relationship or situation. My strengths are typically my husband's weaknesses, and the other way around. (Which is why we are so great together ;)) 
3. If you know a strength/weakness, you can do your best to strengthen them both and use them in ways that are beneficial to God's will (or mission in Army terms). 

The Bible confirmed that my strengths are to be used and to be built up (2 Tim 1:1-12)! The Bible also says that men have suffered for the sake of their Lord and I thought to myself, maybe that is what I am doing here. I am not physically suffering, but I am emotionally struggling. I am mentally struggling. But, that is a struggle that I will not give up or let the enemy win. My gift is my gift that I need to use because it is a strength, not a weakness that others tell me it is. I need to believe with boldness that this is who I am, and this is how I will lead and take care of these Soldiers. 

My gift is kindness (I think..). Genuine kindness. I care about Soldier's problems. I care about their future. I care about their spouse, their kids, their dog, their education, their finances. I care about these things because I am their leader and I want to make sure they are taken care of to the best of my ability. My ability will not be limited by what I am "allowed" to say or not "allowed" to say. God truly is the only one who can control this tongue! 

So, my next obstacle is not allowing the struggle to affect me to a point that I am no longer able to "force" my gift on others. It is not letting my emotions get the best of me when I am constantly questioned. It is not allowing the annoyance I feel towards those who have made this SO unbelievably difficult on me to fester inside me. But geez.. that is so much easier said than done. My patience runs thin and it runs thin much quicker with those who I am currently not getting along with. But, I can't control them. I can't expect them to be the person I THINK they should be. An awesome family friend of ours told me to "Keep your faith in people realistic." I love that. Just because its something I expect, doesn't mean it is what is going to get done. And I cant control that, especially when they are higher ranking than me. Usually when they have been in the Army a while too, its best to not even attempt to speak (in my experience). 

Yes, this was a long blog but I haven't been on here in a few days! I have been thinking about this blog for a couple of days now! We lost our unclassified network at work, so I have to do this in my tent. But, what have I learned? A Soldier told me once.. "Stay true to who you are." The Bible confirms this. The next struggle is just APPLYING it. I know what I need to do, or I know how I need to act, but the application is twice as hard I think. 

Father God, I pray for Your guidance. You know my heart better than anyone and You know the struggles I face. Please help me to do what I need to do to live for You and be the example You want me to be. You gave me this gift, I don't want to put it in a box. I especially don't want to lose this gift and have it boxed up with cobwebs surrounding it. Please speak to me when I feel myself allowing this place and these people getting the best of me. I have the Spirit of God inside me, I know that this can be done. I know that You will not leave me nor forsake me, and I asking for that promise to be kept to me as I make my way through this dark valley. I love You God, and I trust You. In Your Holy Name I pray, Amen. 

There's Always a First Time

Yesterday and the night before yesterday was a very rough day for me. Prepare for a rant.

---The night before last night, Justin and I got into our first argument since I had been gone. They are bound to happen, we are thousands of miles apart from each other, we can’t see each other and we have to solve the problem through texting, which hardly ever works out. That distress I felt from that argument spilled into the next day. I had my first patient that I needed to MEDEVAC, and I had never used this new system before that I am required to use. I did everything correct, except one thing. This one thing was very small and it did not impede the Soldier from being MEDEVACed, but it still bothered me that I made a mistake. Then, we had a lockdown procedure for a lost sensitive item, and that was just chaos. I received different guidance from two different individuals, and that drives me crazy. We do what the first person said, then the second person says no, its going to be like this, so then we get to do it again. And then, I hate being talked to like a child. I went to college, I have a degree and two minors, and you don’t need to talk to me like a child. Until I prove myself incompetent, respect my rank and position and I will get the job done. People here treat me like I am burden to seek help when I do not know, and I don’t like that feeling either. These are issues I have struggled with for about a year now, and its not getting any better.----

I do not want this blog to turn into a complaining center for me. I want this blog to allow you to understand my life here, without giving up too much information that may or may not get me in trouble. That is why some of this stuff is so vague, only those who know me know me really well know who I am talking about.

SO! With all that being said let me try and learn something from this. My momma Rita wrote me a letter and she said, Stupid people are going to ask you to do stupid things, just do them because you know its not worth the fight. HAHA! Made me laugh. But, it is so true. I read a devotion this morning and the verse was,

 “May the God of patience and comfort grant you to be like-minded toward one another, according to Christ Jesus, that you may with one mind and one mouth glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.” Romans 15:5-6

I need to remember this verse when I begin to feel myself getting upset and/or irritated. I don’t want this deployment to drive a wedge between my husband and I or between my family and I due to lack of communication. I want this deployment to bring us all closer. I must remember that Justin’s weaknesses are my strengths, and my weaknesses are his strengths. God intended that to be so.  We all have times, days, weeks, maybe even months of frustrations, irritations, grudges.. but we must pray, seek God’s strength and grace to help push us through those times and once we reach the other side, God willing, we are a stronger individual. God does not put us through something that He does not KNOW we can handle. God would not put our marriage through this deployment if He thought we couldn’t make it.

Father God, I ask that you give me patience when I am weak and move to be angry too quickly. I ask that you help me to remember that weaknesses of others will be my strengths, and remind me that I can bring them through whatever they are going through because You have blessed me with what they are needing. I know that there are many times in my life where I will need others, and when I am weak, they will be strong. Please help me to not be so tough on myself about my job, and there is a first for everything. And maybe even seconds and thirds! J I love You God, and I thank You for your countless blessings. My sweet husband is my number one blessing and I will forever think so, even in times of frustration. I love you God, so much. I pray that in the future, I will come to You for your grace and patience. In Your precious and Holy Name I pray, Amen.

Beautiful Words

So, I got a FB message from my awesome mom this morning. There are some sad things happening in our family currently, but the advice that was given to her, which in turn she gave me, was absolutely beautiful. I think this is something so incredibly beautiful. Mom said,

"In the midst of the conversation, she (my Aunt Winnie) told me something that Aunt Sherri had said in October 2006...she said that she would go thru having the cancer again because of the way that it brought her so close to God. She gave everything--all control of every part of her life--to Jesus."

Isn't that beautiful? It has caused me to think about things this morning.

1. I prayed, and I thanked Aunt Sherri for her words. I thanked God because even though Aunt Sherri is gone, she is still sharing such wonderful, beautiful words of wisdom. That was so powerful to me, that after all these years, her words are still used as encouragement.

2. I have thought previously that I need to take advantage of this deployment. I need to take this time to get so incredibly close to God. I need to take this time to pray for our marriage, that it may be a blessing from God and those who we encounter in our lives. I am here, I am in in Afghanistan and its not going to change. So, I need to make the most of it. Things that I have always wanted to improve is my relationship with my God, my relationship with my husband, my family members and to get more fit ;)

3. I do not need cancer to draw me closer to God, my precious Aunt has made already gone through that and I should live for her words. I am deployed, and it is hard, but it is not life ending. It will be life changing because I will make those attempts to change it. I will not allow this hardship to dig me deeper into the pits of sin, but dig me deeper into the Love of God.

So, what would you change or work on if you had cancer? You don't need cancer, you don't need a deployment, you don't need a death in the family or ANYTHING terrible to happen to you to make you realize. You just need YOU to realize it, and then you need to carry that to God and lay it at His feet.

Father God, I come to you this afternoon to ask Your wisdom. God, guide me in Your path so that I may know HOW to be drawn closer to You. Guide me to Your scriptures that you have so graciously provided me so that I may find strength and wisdom in Your words. Guide me throughout my day; guide my actions, my thoughts, my words and my spirit Father. I want to know HOW to give my all to you. It is so hard to let go of some things, and You know this God. Please guard my marriage with the greatest blessing you have ever given me, my amazing husband. Guard, protect and improve my relationships with my mom, pops, momma Rita, dad, brothers, sisters, grandparents, aunts and uncle, cousins and others that I may be struggling to forgive. Once again, YOU know best. And You have put these people in my life for a reason and it is not my place to say that our relationship will not work, they must for You put them there. In all things I do God, I desire to give them to You, and to You alone. I pray that I come out of this deployment stronger in You, and I know that that strength will spill over into every other aspect of my life. Just show me how God, please. In your precious name, Amen.

Lose My Soul

Today has already become a day that I must overcome and defeat. The comfort that I am going to find for this day is going to come from Psalms 118: 5-8. It says:

"I called on the Lord in distress; the Lord answered me and set me in a broad place. The Lord is on MY SIDE; I will not fear. What can MAN do to me? The Lord is for me among those who help me; therefore I shall see MY DESIRE on those who hate me. It is better to trust the Lord than to put confidence in man."

Leadership is a lonely place. A Christian Leader is an even lonelier place. The short amount of time that I have spent in the military, this has been the an eye-opening experience to the sadness of the world we all live in. I give all glory to God for the kindness, sensitivity, and love for people that I attempt to portray in my daily life. I know that He made me this way for a reason. I know that He instilled these characteristics about me for a reason. I am not sure what that reason is yet.. though, sometimes I think I know, I am quickly reminded that I am wrong.

My mentor in the military tells me that there is a place for all types of leadership in the military. I do agree. However, its tough when I am the minority. My heart is in a place to help people. It is in a place to comfort, guide, and mentor people (whatever their rank/position) whenever I feel led. This complicates my life in the military. I am told "You're too sensitive." "You care too much Loggins." Well, the initial reaction that I feel is hurt. I do not like people judging my leadership capabilities. I do not like people telling me to change, and I know that basically what they are wanting is for me to be more like them. Well, I don't want to be like them. I want to be me. Just because my leadership is not like theirs, does not mean that it is wrong, just different. And different is okay.  My husband loves me for me, my family loves me for me. (I hope ;))

I remember growing up that someone told me, you want to live a life where people look at you and say to themselves, "I want to be like her because she has something special going on with her. Why is she is happy and kind? What gives?" Well, the answer to that would be the Love of Jesus. And it always has been. I have The Spirit living inside me, and I can't help but to love people (as best I know how). By all means, I am NOT saying that I am this happy, go-lucky, always perfectly happy kinda person, believe me I am not, and if you don't, ask my husband :) But, I do try to put a smile on my face, care about everyone's day, their lives, their children, their parents, their pets, career,etc. I make the attempt everyday. These Soldiers are worth my efforts.

What is more important? Always having an open door for my Soldiers and creating an environment where they feel comfortable and ultimately (hopefully) they see the Love of God shine through? Or, is it be more like the non-believers and the people who try to change my heart? I think the answer is clear here. But, that doesn't mean the battle is over. It only means I understand the battle, for now anyways.

Here is a perfect song, just for good measure :)

Father God, I am clay in your hands,
Help me to stay that way through all life's demands,
'Cause they chip and they nag and they pull at me,
And every little thing I make up my mind to be,
Like I'm gonna be a daddy whose in the mix,
And I'm gonna be a husband who stays legit,
And I pray that I'm an artist who rises above,
The road that is wide and filled with self love,
Everything that I see draws me,
Though it's only in You that I can truly see that its a feast for the eyes- a low blow to purpose.
And I'm a little kid at a three ring circus.

I don't want to gain the whole world, and lose my soul,
Don't wanna walk away, let me hear the people say.

Dear Heavenly Father, I come to You this afternoon to ask Your strength. I ask for You teach me Father, to place my confidence in You, and in You alone. I know that You have put me here for a reason, and I pray that I accomplish that mission for you. I pray that Your will be done while in this place of Christian loneliness. I pray for Your strength for the battles I will face in the name of You. I pray that these battles do not break me spiritually, but strengthen me. I trust you Jesus, and I love You for who You are and what You are doing in my life.

Already There

From where I'm standing
Lord it's so hard for me to see
Where this is going
And where You're leading me
I wish I knew how
All my fears and all my questions
Are gonna play out
In a world I can't control

Above is the first verse to the song "Already There" by Casting Crowns. This verse, along with the rest of the song, has touched my heart deeply the last few months. The power of music (lyrically), overwhelms me! The words touch my heart and affect me in a way that few things can. Lord, from where I am standing it's so hard to for me to see why my Granny is not here with me today. Its so hard to understand why God took my Mamaw before NTC, my friend Sarah shortly after that, my Granny over block leave and my Grandpa while here in Afghanistan, all in a 6 month time frame. Its so hard for me to understand why you have put Justin and I through so much in our short amount of time of being together. Its so hard for me to understand so many things that have happened the past few years that have so much to bear for myself and my family.

I know that every family, every individual, every couple go through tough times. I realize that we are not being targeted or God is putting us through difficult times because its what we deserve. Going through the storm is never easy. Pushing through when I feel like I cant even move my legs to get out of bed, yes, these are tough times. The uncontrollable tears streaming down my face, asking why, begging please-- these times are only temporary.

Now that I am able to look back on these life events that have been the exact opposite of enjoyable, they are life lessons that I (we) have all learned and unfortunatly we will continue to learn. However, I attempted to send my sweet mom encouraging words a few days ago as she is still very much struggling with the loss of her sweet momma. My words were something along the lines of, "Mom, we dont NEED to understand why God has made these decisions. We can be grateful because we KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that we serve a God who has OUR very best interests at heart, and sometimes those best interests send us through dark times. God does not need our consent to do what He knows is best for us, if He did, we would be in a much worse place than we are now." We trust Him to take care of us, but when things are hard, we dont understand. We NEED to understand, but we cant understand why He would take people at the times He does. But I do understand that He is in control, and He knows best, and I am thankful for that. I am not quite sure how people get through these incredibly tough times without God's grace, trust and never ending love.

Last thing I will say about this is that I love and miss my Granny so much. Yesterday, I was sitting with a friend and the chaplain. My friend was talking about how she hopes she doesnt have to go through losing a grandparent or anyone for that matter, while she is here. I said, "I hope you dont either, it sucks." She said, you had that happen to you? I said yes, I did. My Grandpa Ernest passed away last week. ((She was on a mission which is why she didnt already know)) Anyways, we got to talking, and I talked about how I had lost three grandparents and a friend the past 6 months. As soon as I opened my mouth about God deciding to take Granny so soon, I started crying, right there in the middle of the dfac. Oh, sometimes I am not fond of my sensitivity! But, I gathered myself and explained that I didnt need to know why anymore, I just needed to trust that God knows best and I am thankful for that. I miss you Granny, and you know this. So many people miss you, but I know that there isnt a time difference anymore, me being in Afghanistan doesnt make you any closer or further away from me either! Praise the Lord.

Father God, I know that You have my (our) best interests at heart. I know that You know the limits that we all have individually and as a family and I am thankful that I was born into a family that loves You. I am thankful for your Son who made it possible to spend eternity with You, who made it possible for me to know without any doubt that my sweet grandparents are having the time of their lives with You at this very second. I thank You for this Father God. I am thankful for the knowledge that we will be with them again for eternity and how glorious that will be! I can see Granny doing her funny little dance that I will never in my life forget, and that little dance I will pass on to our childen when you do bless us with them. I love you God, lovey lovey, kissy kissy. Amen!